Married with two names

I married Gustavo nearly two years ago and I'm still dithering about what to do with my name. I've fudged it for now by having two. I continue to use my maiden name at work and, depending on my mood, will sometimes use my married name - see blog title!

The problem is it is starting to cause confusion. At a gig on thursday night when the doorman was looking up my name on the guest list, do I give him Stone or Montes de Oca? Some friends have started using my married surname..I give him Lucy Stone as its easier to say, and out of habit. The doorman thought i was chancing it when he couldn't find me on the list and i then gave him another name.

But above the logistics is the principle. I want to have the same name as my husband as a symbol of our union. Yet I want to keep my identity and individuality whilst being part of a couple.

Does it belittle me taking my husbands name? Does it mean i'm subsuming my identity by assuming his? Or is it simply an extension of the joining together of us both in our marriage by sharing the same name?

Some people make up a new name, or merge their names as a solution. In Mexico I am Lucy Montes de Oca Stone. That's quite a mouthful and will inevitably be shortened to Lucy Montes or Montes de Oca.

For me though, the most important factor that is weighing over me is my namesake.

Lucy Stone was an amazing suffragete, fighting for women's rights and slave abolition. She was the first known woman not to take her husbands name after marriage.

She said, "My name is my identity and must not be lost."

In fact, doing a 'lucy stone' is to keep your maiden name after wedding.

 

She was not allowed to vote because she hadnt taken her husbands name and died before full rights of women to vote were established. She is a great hero for women.

So does it betray this proud association with Lucy Stone if I dont keep my name? Or is it in fact a sign of emancipation if after a century has passed I can now take my husbands name without any loss of rights?

Does it change my identity as Lucy Stone suggested? Well I dont think it does because my identity is now happily changed by being married to Gustavo.

Yet I love the name Lucy Stone. I love that it connects me to this inspirational figure.

I tried to honour her at my wedding day by speaking, that in itself still a pretty revolutionary thing for a bride to do at a wedding. Normally a bride focuses on looking beautiful, and everyone else talks about her beauty. The bride usually stays mute, smiling and staying demure.

I forced myself to speak to my friends and family because I was overwhelmed by the significance of the ritual of wedding, and wanted to thank my friends and family for creating it and being a part of it.

Gustavo was poetic and heroic. I mumbled about Lucy Stone and keeping her married name, I dont think anyone understood what I said, but it didnt matter. The point was that I stood up and confirmed that I was more than a bride in a beautiful dress. I was Lucy Stone.

So what do I do? What have others done? Can I keep both names that I love so much. But I also so want to be Mr and Mrs something.

Perhaps we could be Mr and Mrs Lucy Stone Montes de Oca.