Day of the Dead

my window sill on sunday

On Sunday Mexicans from across London gathered in my neighbourhood to celebrate Dia de los Muertos.

I really love this Mexican version of Halloween which goes back to Aztec times. It has some purpose to it, rather than just a fancy dress theme.

The idea is to bring mementos, photos and favourite drinks or food, of the dead that you want to remember. These are added to an altar along with flowers, fruits and symbols of death/life. The atmosphere in the community centre where this was held had become a magical, calm space.

Remembering and celebrating the dead isn't ghoulish, its an important part of the cycle of life. I love rituals with timeless relevance like this.  Its a shame we don't have many opportunities in British modern culture to honour the dead. We have national moments such as Remembrance Sunday, but no tradition for remembering your family, friends, idols or even pets. The Wellcome Collection's current exhibition, Death: a Self-portrait, explores some of these issues - how we confront or hide from death. As my mother said when I gave her an apron with day of the deal skeletons adorning it - 'Oh i don't want to see those, they just remind me that I will be one soon!'

Aside from the solemnity of the occasion, the mariachi played with such enthusiasm they continued through a fire alarm, and the colourful decorative skulls and catrinas (images of dressed up skeletons) make it a visual feast too. In fact the imagery of the day of the dead is becoming more and more fashionable. The skulls providing a more democratic, folk, human version of Damian Hirst's cynical bling diamond skull.

The altar

women dressed as catrinas

Married with two names

I married Gustavo nearly two years ago and I'm still dithering about what to do with my name. I've fudged it for now by having two. I continue to use my maiden name at work and, depending on my mood, will sometimes use my married name - see blog title!

The problem is it is starting to cause confusion. At a gig on thursday night when the doorman was looking up my name on the guest list, do I give him Stone or Montes de Oca? Some friends have started using my married surname..I give him Lucy Stone as its easier to say, and out of habit. The doorman thought i was chancing it when he couldn't find me on the list and i then gave him another name.

But above the logistics is the principle. I want to have the same name as my husband as a symbol of our union. Yet I want to keep my identity and individuality whilst being part of a couple.

Does it belittle me taking my husbands name? Does it mean i'm subsuming my identity by assuming his? Or is it simply an extension of the joining together of us both in our marriage by sharing the same name?

Some people make up a new name, or merge their names as a solution. In Mexico I am Lucy Montes de Oca Stone. That's quite a mouthful and will inevitably be shortened to Lucy Montes or Montes de Oca.

For me though, the most important factor that is weighing over me is my namesake.

Lucy Stone was an amazing suffragete, fighting for women's rights and slave abolition. She was the first known woman not to take her husbands name after marriage.

She said, "My name is my identity and must not be lost."

In fact, doing a 'lucy stone' is to keep your maiden name after wedding.

 

She was not allowed to vote because she hadnt taken her husbands name and died before full rights of women to vote were established. She is a great hero for women.

So does it betray this proud association with Lucy Stone if I dont keep my name? Or is it in fact a sign of emancipation if after a century has passed I can now take my husbands name without any loss of rights?

Does it change my identity as Lucy Stone suggested? Well I dont think it does because my identity is now happily changed by being married to Gustavo.

Yet I love the name Lucy Stone. I love that it connects me to this inspirational figure.

I tried to honour her at my wedding day by speaking, that in itself still a pretty revolutionary thing for a bride to do at a wedding. Normally a bride focuses on looking beautiful, and everyone else talks about her beauty. The bride usually stays mute, smiling and staying demure.

I forced myself to speak to my friends and family because I was overwhelmed by the significance of the ritual of wedding, and wanted to thank my friends and family for creating it and being a part of it.

Gustavo was poetic and heroic. I mumbled about Lucy Stone and keeping her married name, I dont think anyone understood what I said, but it didnt matter. The point was that I stood up and confirmed that I was more than a bride in a beautiful dress. I was Lucy Stone.

So what do I do? What have others done? Can I keep both names that I love so much. But I also so want to be Mr and Mrs something.

Perhaps we could be Mr and Mrs Lucy Stone Montes de Oca.